Unexpected Truth....

The last few days have been a whirlwind ... I have had a lot of good times this week ... and some unexpected hardships.

Maybe you have weeks like this too -- where you make extra effort and everything is going swimmingly and just about the time you start to take a step back and think, "Wow. I'm finally making progress!" Something falls apart, and leaves you worse off than before as you start to feel your life spiral out of control. Again.

It's been one of those weeks. . . Where you make "I should've known better" mistakes. Those are the worst.

• Example #1: Lost my car key (silly mistakes: took it off my key-chain, put it in a shallow pocket and it fell out). 
• Example #2: overdraft fees at the bank (silly mistake: paid a bill with a check and forgot to write it down). 

I'm sure there's more, but those are the first ones that come to mind.

I also had a massive fallout with someone whom I considered to be a dear friend. And the worst part? I don't even know why. I'm sure one day I'll find out, but I almost don't want to know. Is that bad? I know we're not supposed to hold grudges, and bitterness does the heart no good whatsoever ... even still, I was so shocked and hurt by how this person treated me, that my overreacting-prone heart wondered if we were ever friends? That is, of course, completely untrue. But it surprised and saddened me -- I had moments of doubt, anger, sorrow, angst, hopelessness, and bewilderment. All in about 20 minutes!

It made me look at some other aspects of my life -- my health in particular. I get all gung-ho about eating well and working out, and sooner or later I always seem to fizzle out in my attempts to become a better me. Why? What makes me feel like giving up so easily? Maybe it's the truth of my situation -- that it's going to take time and a lot of hard work. Maybe it's habit -- I am used to being viewed a certain way, and even though I want so badly to be the healthy, fit Suzy that I used to be, I'm worried that the world will reject me & I won't have my looks to blame it on anymore. Maybe it's excuses -- too tired, too stressed, too busy, too much of something-or-other.

Whatever it is, it gets in the way -- and I'm done blaming life.

If I don't like the way I look, it's in my power to change it.
If a relationship isn't uplifting, it's in either party's power to change it.

Maybe I haven't taken advantage of opportunities that have come my way ... Maybe I have let the mistakes I've made distract me from the progress I'm making.

I don't have all the answers -- hence the ever-present "maybe" in this post ....
but I have learned a lot about myself and those around me this week.

What's that quote about friendship being less about how long someone stood by your side & more about those who came and never left? Maybe there's more truth to that than I realized.

In any case -- I have encountered unexpected blessings for every sudden hardship this week ... and in the same way that the friends & family who have continued to stand by me have made all the difference this week, I want to make a stronger effort to "stand by" my goals and see them through to success. Some things aren't worth walking away from, no matter how hard life gets.

This week's song is one that I've had on repeat practically all day -- "I Know the Truth" from Aida. The lyrics are filled with a plaintive questioning that speaks deeply to my heart at the present. Here are two versions -- the first is from the Original Broadway Cast, sung by Sherie Rene Scott & the second is from a YMTA production, sung by Rachael Schunk (one to listen, one to watch -- whichever you prefer!):

 "How have I come to this?
How did I slip and fall?
How did I throw half a lifetime away
Without any thought at all?"

"This should have been my time
It's over, it never began
I closed my eyes to so much for so long
and I no longer can."

"I try to blame it on fortune
Some kind of shift in a star
But I know the truth and it haunts me."

"How to go on with the rest of my life
To pretend I don't care?
This should've been my time
It's over; it never began
I closed my eyes to so much for so long
and I no longer can."

"Oh I know the truth and it mocks me
I know the truth and it shocks me
I learned it a little too late
Too late."

I Know Where I've Been....

Hey, Friends!

It's been a pretty incredible week for me, I have to admit. Not that it's all been perfect -- by any means. But I feel like I've taken some much needed steps on the journey to my dreams.

In talking with a dear friend, I realized that some of the surface-y things that bother me in my day-to-day life are caused by deep-rooted issues that I've never taken time to confront. Things like never feeling good enough, questioning my purpose on this earth, and feeling that the pursuit of my dreams is selfish. They play out in my life as feeling lazy, trying to work enough to justify theatre, and worrying about things that I have no control over. Like I said -- deep stuff.

The kind of stuff that isn't fun to talk about ... issues that are frustrating. I like to avoid that kind of stuff; always look on the bright side of life, right? But it was freeing to finally face these chains that have been holding me back. I've let fleeting comments from people sink deep into my heart and sway my actions over the years. . . I've allowed the Truth to be replaced with lies that I have chosen to believe instead.

Woah, Suzy, you might be thinking, what does this have to do with Broadway? 

Everything.

I have always loved that Musical Theatre is a reflection of life, raw feelings, and the knowledge that even when we don't have an answer for something, we have a song.

So, this is my song. I don't have answers for what comes next -- but I don't want to forget the revelations that I had this week. They are a testament to progress being made, a bookmark in a previous chapter, a marker on this winding road called life.

Therefore, this week's song choice is none other than: "I Know Where I've Been" from Hairspray, sung by Queen Latifah. Not the Broadway version, I know -- but I just love me some Queen Latifah. Can you blame me?

I know this song is about race and equality -- but the idea that you can get through tomorrow because you haven't forgotten yesterday is a powerful way to look at life, no matter who you are or what you're facing. Our past does not define us, it makes us ready for the future.

"There's a light
Burning bright
Showing me the way
But I know where I've been." 

"There's a dream
In the future
There's a struggle
That we have yet to win
And there's pride
In my heart
'Cause I know
Where I'm going." 

"Oh! When we win,
I'll give thanks to my God
'Cause I know where I've been."

Dreaming Wide Awake....

This week, I've been trying to take advantage of the little moments that make life brighter. Letting my dreams see the light of day --- it's been exciting. I'm making things happen, changing a little every day ... for good -- and for the better.

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." ~Edgar Allan Poe, "Eleonora" 

I feel young again -- living with a touch of whimsy, and putting fun into everyday activities.

Yesterday, I stopped by the bank, and got my spending money for the month in two dollar bills. It's funny how much joy a $2 bill can bring to someone, but they make one feel like a kid again. Like I said -- it's the little things. But it's always been something I've wanted to do. $2 bills make a person smile ... I like smiling =)

picture (c) Katie Sokoler

(Yes, you can go to the bank and ask for $2 bills -- they still have them!

&& I think the teller was just about as excited as I was, to tell the truth!)

Well, speaking of feeling like a kid again, I've been singing Scott Alan's "Never, Neverland (Fly Away)" all week. Peter Pan was (and still is) one of my favorite fairy tales ... I admit, there was a time in my life when I was casually obsessed with the pirate-fighting, pixie-friending, story-loving Peter. Anyways, my favorite version of the song is sung by Stephanie J. Block -- Here are two versions -- the recording from her CD "This Place I Know" and a live version from Birdland: 2008 (one to listen/one to watch) .... enjoy!

"Let me go to Never Neverland
Let me fly for one day
And throw that fairy dust in my hair
So I'll pretend I'm flying away"

"Well to my surprise, I grew up too fast,
And that easy life of Tinkerbell never did last
So I silently dream myself far, far away
That I would be immortalized like Peter one day."

"And though life is never easy as we as children read in the books
Where fairy dust could just fly you so far away
All I ask is that you leave me my imagination
So I can pretend I'm flying away."

"In my Never Neverland."



Moving On....

It's a new year -- and I feel like a new me.

I recently shed a few heavy burdens that had been holding me down for years ... emotions, debt, relationships, doubts -- I have a new outlook on life. And I don't want to forget the journey I take this year ... I look back over this past year and realize that because I didn't keep track of the breakthroughs--revelations, if you will--that I experienced, I feel as if a year was wasted. What do I have to show for everything I went through? I wonder....

Therefore, this year it is my goal to keep track of such things. Remember the good and bad times ... the victories and the failures ... the dreams that came true, and the hopes that are yet waiting to be fulfilled.

It is time to move on ... as an artist, as a dreamer, as an emotional being.

Move on.

Sondheim wrote a song for Sunday in the Park with George that expresses this beautifully. Without further ado: Bernadette Peters & Mandy Patinkin (in a rendition I find even more powerful than their original) singing "Move On" by Stephen Sondheim.

"Stop worrying where you're going-
Move on
If you can know where you're going
You've gone
Just keep moving on."

" So what? The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not."

"Look at what you've done,
Then at what you want,
Not at where you are,
What you'll be."